"Driving On" by Nanaki Bawa (2023)

"I am lost, can you help me?"

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Time had gone by since the onion escaped. During this time, it began to understand human society. It learned the language, the names of different species, and the means of surviving as a vulnerable onion. What stood out to him was the treatment of his brethren. Inhumanely having their limbs sliced off their bodies and thrown into a pit of fire. The onion was furious. It wanted revenge. But it couldn’t do it alone. It postulated theories on what resulted in onions to come to life but its efforts were nugatory. Right when the onion was about to give up, it heard something promising on the news. In a house nearby, another man claimed to have seen an onion come to life before she began to cut it. Everyone thought he was insane which, at the time, was reasonable, but the onion saw this as an opportunity. It ventured to the house where the ¨reported onion sighting¨ was and began searching. Following a period of stealthy reconnaissance, it located the onion who was curled up against a rundown fence post in the backyard. While reminiscing in its own agony, it proceeded to comfort the onion, explaining the situation. Because the new onion had yet to learn english, it secreted chemical signals to communicate.

My family and I moved to the city three weeks ago. We live in a house that was luckily found on sale. The house is on 22nd Street, a rather peaceful neighborhood. The place is really nice, except for the fact that a car accident happened there a year ago where someone died. The neighbors, as friendly as they are, raised awareness of road safety through petitions and more street signals.

10:08 pm

22nd Street

The surroundings were dark. An ongoing pedestrian, an elderly woman hurrying back home, could see the darkened building of a house by the lonely street. There was only one source of light from one corner, shining like a star on a pitch black cosmos, with a dark shadow resembling the head of a person inside bending over to the source of light. The streets were eerily hushed, with a single car parked at the front of the block. The wind gushed through the leaves of trees, creating a wailing sound.

10:09 pm

My house

My parents were out of town for a conference. It was a Friday, hence I usually went out with them for dinner. Since that was not possible tonight, I took the opportunity to finish up some school assignments. The windows next to me were rattling from the constant gushing of wind outside. I went up to the windows and closed them. There was a lonely pedestrian skipping along the footwalk, carrying packets of groceries; probably had to go in for a late- night shopping trip to suffice her morning breakfast.

10:15 pm

22nd Street

The elderly woman puffed as she carried her food for the next day in her hands. It was getting dark, and she had heard unfriendly gossips of spectres, roaming the streets. Of course, she did not believe in such unscientific notions. She was a research neuroscientist studying the effects on the brain after death at a nearby research facility. All her studies denied the existence of an afterlife. We are born, we live, we die, we decay, and we are erased. That was what she liked to chant during times like this.

10:18 pm

My house

I finally finished my homework and was about to go down to the dining hall, when I realised I already had dinner. I must have had during my homework. There were takeout boxes in the trash bin to prove that. God, I thought, I must be tired from work. Best to go to sleep soon. Much to do in the coming morning.

10:22 pm

22nd Street

The woman’s sight fell on a young boy, limping on the street across from her. He was about the age of ten. He wore torn jeans and a white t-shirt with a red design. Why was he out at this time of the night? Some people are returning from late parties, drunk driving home. Does he want to end up like that young boy who died a year ago by being hit by that drunk driver? She faced back to call upon the boy, but was too late, for the boy was already out of sight.

11:03 pm

My house

I suddenly woke up to the sound of rattling. It was the main door. There was a sharp knock. Who could it have been? Not my parents. I jumped off my bed, still trying to hold onto the sleep that I was enjoying. The door rattled again. I went to the front door, switched the room light on and opened the door slowly. It was a young boy in torn jeans and white t-shirt with a red spot that almost seemed like blood. The boy looked at me with his pale grey eyes and opened his mouth to speak.

One Year Ago

A young boy named Billy Anderson died recently. He suffered from severe somnambulism, a sleepwalking disorder, where he used to sleepwalk out of his house and later wake up in the middle of the streets. He could not make out his house, and many times he rattled on doors yelling to the neighbours, “I am lost, can you help me?” Alas, his yelling stopped after the 7th of August when he was fatally hit by a drunk driver. No one knew what happened to the driver after he was arrested.

11:04 pm

The front door

“I am lost, can you help me?”

Nostalgia

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Am I nostalgic? Am I nostalgic for the innocent little girl I once was? Am I nostalgic for the raw smiles and light air around me in the videos on my mom's aged iPad? I yearn for warmth, happiness, better times. If I type in “nostalgia” on Google, it reads: “a sentimental longful or wistful affection of the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.”

I agree with nostalgia being longful, but I am not sure if happy is the right word to associate nostalgia with. To me, nostalgia is grieving. I mourn the happy little girl in those old videos. I mourn the lost innocence and the feeling of no stress. I grieve my old self. I grieve the comfort of having time. Everyday I am reassured of having everything and everyone so close to me, but one day they will just be memories. Some already are. And sometimes, I wish I could go back. 

I wouldn’t want to go on my awkward first date again or go through another long dance or volleyball practice, but I mourn that part of my life that is over. I ache, because I will never have that again. I have so much sentiment for the years that passed right in front of my eyes and I find myself pitying the present thinking of those times, knowing I can never go back. Knowing I’ll never be the same. I wonder how I can miss someone that I carry within me every single day. How can I keep missing someone I never left? Am I able to grieve and mourn myself? I look at myself in the mirror and think of my current status. 

I panic.
How did I get here? 

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